asparaguslegs

it's so hard to put coherent thoughts together.
instead, i'm just going to make a bullet list: 

- i hate you. you are the victim who never screams. you're emotionally masochistic. you are you. today i sat down on the kitchen floor and cried bitter tears. for you.
- my thighs are ginormous. i don't know what i'll do if i keep on eating like this. i'm no longer swimming. i no longer need the calories. i want to be empty. simple and empty, simply empty. i just blow up and blow up and blow up and the fatter i get the more disgusting i am. i'm disgusting. i'm wretched and vile and repulsive. so fat. 
- where will i be, five years down the road? will i be anywhere that counts as a place? what's going to happen to me? what what what? i'm so stressed all the time, because i don't know what to do in my life and i'm not sure how to get where i want to be -- if i know where i want to be, which i don't. i don't know anything. 
- there is not enough time in the day to do what i want to do. 
- ive realized that i'm emotionally exhausted. i'm becoming numb. and i felt better that way. i didn't want him to come around and be nice to me and make me feel so incredibly guilty that i'm not giving him the treatment he deserves. no one else will ride the light rail all the way to west side with me and then get on a bus home. no one else will pick me up at work because i dont have the extra cents needed to buy a ticket so i don't get fined for evading fare. no one else will bring me a towel, bring me food, see how i'm doing. no one else is as nice to me, no one else is as precious, and i don't treat him well, i take him for granted, he's going to be ralphy in the next few months. i treat him like shit. i need to stop. i can't. 
- i have to apologize. but i can't stay near him. he's too nice. 
- what do i do? 
- i have to stay away from him to keep him safe. keep him sane. keep him normal. but then i'm just going to hate myself, a vile, bitter hate, for letting such a good thing slip out of my hands. no matter how little we have in common, no matter that i never understand him on the phone, no matter that everything he does annoys the living shit out of me. 
- i'm conflicted. i didn't want to deal with such a jumble, such a mess, such a knot of emotions. 
- i wish i could be out in a thunderstorm right now. maybe being in the midst of chaos will calm me down, tamper with the rage i feel inside. the blind, kicking, screaming, whining rage, the rage that makes no sense, the toddler rage that leads to toddler tantrums that still don't make any sense, but are excusable because you've only been alive for so long. i know better. i should be better. i am not.
- i am vile. 
- i am repulsive.
- i am so ugly. 
- i need to become someone else. just....someone else. 
- there were so many things i had wanted to write down, to record, before that phone call. i don't know where they are now. they're out in the ether, lost, drifting away, never to be seen or heard from again. damn that phone call. god damn that phone call. why did i have to call him back? 
- i don't want to do anything anymore.
 

 i need to do so many things: return this, check that, start this, do that, etc, etc, etc. all small, mundane tasks. well, some are. some are not. regardless, they need to be done and i need to start wearing a bra. randomness is my forte when i'm this sleep deprived and tired and insomnatic (is that a word? it should be.) prom passed by in mere seconds. going to the beach did not. i now have a ghastly tan on the back of my legs, and no where else -- a shorts tan, just to make it all the sweeter. i enjoyed my increased height at prom. i must wear more heels in the future. i'm excited to go to the swim team party if only to wear a dress and heels. semicasual but still. i should probably hit up gem story on 14th st. 

i told ralphy about eunice and janika's narrow mindedness: how they think that drugs and alcohol are evil, evil things that make you "uncool" and that people take them because they think that it makes them "cool." i wish one day they'd get kissed, get drunk, get high, mix in with a more pessimistic, cynical crowd and realize that it's not as bad as they make it out to seem. and eunice needs to stop believing in god. only because he doesn't exist. not because it's bad for her or anyone around her. 

ralphy's response was, "you need to get new friends. i don't have friends who have those kinds of friends."
i was quite sure he was joking, but it still bothered me. would you really disregard someone who you were so close to and good with just because they had "uncool" friends? i am "friends" with e&j because they are good people -- eunice, at least. i know her heart is.... not pure, but good. that at least i can believe in. whether it's by the "work of god" or some other psycho religious bullshit, i don't really know. i'm not really willing to find out. she's easy going, she grows on you, and she is positive. it makes up for the fact that she's loud and obnoxious and narrow minded. 

hector called today. i was on the phone with ralphy. 
"hello?"
"helene?"
"who's this?"
"uh....it's hector."
"oh. ...hey. i'm on the phone with someone right now. can i call you back later?"
".......uh, okay. sorry."
"yeah, no problem."

ralphy congratulated me on this (shit, i am all about ralphy, arent i?) and i found his inherent surprise, well, a surprise. i'm over hector now -- or at least the epic breakdown of what i thought was hector, and the discovery of who he really was. i'm no longer all too bitter about the entire experience. it truly woke me up to the type of people there are out there: pathological liars, sociopaths, people with evil consumption in their minds and hearts. i write like the bible speaks but i know that this is true. it's not an overstatement. i know this now. and i no longer care about the shadow of what was him and our relationship, i only ponder strenuously on what exactly happened, how the mirage fell down and how it came up in the first place. 

i realized that what ralphy said was right. i should find friends i have more in common with. i don't mind having a diverse array of friends with a diverse array of perspectives on society and life, but perhaps, i should find people i am more comfortable around. being around e&j make me feel like a lion among giraffes. or hippos. or elephants. or cheetahs. where they scream i stay quiet and where they oppose i advocate. they aren't as bitter as i am. 

where am i going to find these friends, though?